Timmy Writes to Santa
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, are fine. I've been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you've indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "Naughty vs. Nice" contract, established by you I might add, I feel confident that you'll see your way clear in granting me what I've asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one involving litigation. Also, don't you think that a cheap shot at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit hypocritical?
While I've acknowledged you have met the "Nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services to be rendered. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well, that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me, chicken-head. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat butt and I be taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got you wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totinos pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib!!
Chew on that, Petunia.
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
That's what I thought you little brat.
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