ICE CREAM - If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.

DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway - if you can dig down and still find something that's not green and not too hard to eat, bon appetit!

EGGS - If something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably no longer fresh.

MEAT - If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.

UNMARKED ITEMS - If you are tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food, it's probably well beyond its prime.

POTATOES - Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CANNED GOODS - Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of... very carefully.

CEREAL - It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or more beyond the expiration date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.

BREAD - Sesame seeds, poppy seeds, or raisins are the only officially acceptable spots that should be seen on the surface of a loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green or black patches are good indications that your bread has turned into a laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.

FLOUR - Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.

SPICES - Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf forever, though they may not have much flavor. Put them in your will, if you like.

SALT - Salt never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.

EXPIRATION DATES - There is no truth to the conspiracy theory that these are a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries.

THE GAG TEST - Anything that makes you gag is probably spoiled (except for those leftovers from that stuff you cooked for yourself last night that made you gag when it was FRESH).

P.S. Green eggs and ham are generally a no-no!