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Volume II
June 11, 2008

Reasons I Owe My Mother

Submitted by Bill Quintero

25 Reasons I Owe My Mother

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.--“If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
My mother taught me RELIGION.--“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.--“If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
My mother taught me LOGIC.--“Because I said so, that's why.”
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.--“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.”
My mother taught me FORESIGHT.--“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.”
My mother taught me IRONY.--“Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.”
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.--“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.--“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
My mother taught me about STAMINA.--“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
My mother taught me about WEATHER.--“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.--“If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!”
My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.--“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.--“Stop acting like your father!”
My mother taught me about ENVY.--“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.”
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.--“Just wait until we get home.”
My mother taught me about RECEIVING.--“You are going to get it when you get home!”
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.--“If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”
My mother taught me ESP.--“Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?”
My mother taught me HUMOR.--“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.”
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.--“If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.”
My mother taught me GENETICS.--“You're just like your father.”
My mother taught me about my ROOTS.--“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
My mother taught me WISDOM.--“When you get to be my age, you'll understand.”
My mother taught me about JUSTICE.--“One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.”

Motherhood...what a glorious career.

The Images of Mother:

4 years of age-- My mommy can do anything!
8 years of age-- My mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 years of age-- My mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 years of age-- Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either
16 years of age-- Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 years of age-- That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 years of age-- Well, she might know a little bit about it
35 years of age-- Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 years of age-- Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 years of age-- Wish I could talk it over with Mom.

Submitted by Holly Vanderpool:

Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby...
Somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, "Normal," is history.

Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct.
Somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.

Somebody said being a mother is boring...
Somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.

Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out good."
Somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.

Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices...
Somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window.

Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother.
Somebody never helped a fourth grader with her math.

Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first.
Somebody doesn't have five children.

Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books...
Somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose or in his ears.

Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery.
Somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten or on a plane headed for military "boot camp."

Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back...
Somebody never organized four giggling Brownies to sell cookies.

Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married.
Somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.

Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home.
Somebody never had grandchildren.

Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her.
Somebody isn't a mother.

What Moms Really Want For Mother's Day...

  • To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any "floaties" (i.e., backwash).
  • To have her 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that "Why is this person my mother?" way.
  • Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty pounds to her figure.
  • A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi Ya Mom!" just as she puts a razor to her ankle.
  • A full time cleaning person who looks like Brad Pitt.
  • For her teenager to announce, "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!"
  • A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.
  • To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions.
  • To be able to step on a plane with their toddlers and NOT have someone moan, "Oh no! Why me?!?"
  • To occasionally get to sleep late on the weekend. I mean is this too much to ask?
  • To actually carry on a normal phone conversation with her toddler in the SAME room.
  • To actually be able to finish a HOT cup of coffee while her kids are present. An impossible feat!
  • To take a hot bath without her toddler suddenly screaming, "Mommy, I have to go potty!" as soon as she hits the water.

    These familiar sayings have somehow been handed down from mother to daughter right through the ages. How many of these did you grow up with?

  • Who do you think you are?
  • Ask your father (closely followed by "Ask your Mother")
  • Bored! How can you be bored? I was never bored at your age.
  • I'll treat you like an adult when you start acting like an adult!
  • Look at me when I'm talking to you.
  • Don't you roll your eyes at me!
  • Don't pick it, it'll get infected.
  • I don't care if "insert child's name here" Mom said yes.
  • You'll put your eye out with that thing!
  • I'm going to give you to the count to three.
  • Don't put that thing in your mouth; you don't know where it's been.
  • Wear clean underwear in case you get in an accident and have to go to hospital.
  • Don't cross your eyes like that, one day they'll freeze that way
  • I don't care who started it, I'll finish it!
  • Don't EVER let me catch you doing that again!
  • Why? Because I SAID SO, that's why!?!
  • If such and such jumped off a cliff, would you jump too?
  • If I catch you doing that one more time, I'll...
  • Your father is going to hear about THIS when he gets home!
  • If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
  • How many times do I have to tell you, don't throw things in the house!
  • Do you think your clothes are going to pick themselves up?
  • "I don't know" is NOT an answer!
  • I know it's not fair. Life isn't fair.

    Submitted by Joanne Grueskin:

    The following are different answers given by school-age children to the given question:

    Why did God make mothers?

    "She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is."
    "Think about it, it was the best way to get more people."
    "Mostly to clean the house."
    "To help us out of there when we were getting born."

    How did God make mothers?

    "He used dirt, just like for the rest of us."
    "Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring."
    "God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts."

    Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

    "We're related."
    "God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me."

    What ingredients are mothers made of?

    "God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean."
    "They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string... I think."

    What kind of little girl was your mom?

    "My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff."
    "I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy."
    "They say she used to be nice."

    How did your mom meet your dad?

    "Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting."

    What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

    "His last name."
    "She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?"

    Why did your mom marry your dad?

    "My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot."
    "She got too old to do anything else with him."
    "My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on."

    What makes a real woman?

    "It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy."

    Who's the boss at your house?

    "Mom doesn't want to be boss but she has to because dads such a goofball."
    "Mom, you can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed."
    "I guess Mom is but only because she has a lot more to do than dad."

    What's the difference between moms and dads?

    "Moms work at work and work at home and dads just got to work at work."
    "Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them."
    "Dads are taller and stronger but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's."

    What does your mom do in her spare time?

    "Mothers don't do spare time."
    "To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long."

    What's the difference between moms and grandmas?

    "About 30 years."
    "You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!"

    Describe the world's greatest mom?

    "She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!"
    "The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!"
    "She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself."

    Is anything about your mom perfect?

    "Her teeth are perfect but she bought them from the dentist."
    "Her casserole recipes. But we hate them."
    "Just her children"

    What would it take to make your mom perfect?

    "On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery."
    "Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue."

    If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

    "She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that."
    "I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me."

    For those whose mom wasn't up to snuff, remember: you have two chances at having a family, the one you were born in and the one you make.
    Remembering also that a family is the circle of people with whom you associate. Your present 'family' is what you make it.

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